Download Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler PDF

By Chelsea Handler

THE EAGERLY AWAITED choice of own ESSAYS FROM THE BESTSELLING writer OF MY HORIZONTAL lifestyles

whilst Chelsea Handler must get a couple of issues off her chest, she appeals to a better strength -- vodka. you'll too in case you figured out that your boyfriend was once having an affair with a Peekapoo or in the event you needed to faux to be honeymooning together with your father in an effort to improve to top notch. Welcome to Chelsea's global -- a spot the place absurdity reigns superb and a brief wit is the easiest defensive position.
during this hilarious, deliciously skewed assortment, Chelsea mines her prior for tales approximately her relations, relationships, and profession which are immediately singular and ridiculous. no matter if she's convincing her third-grade category that she has been tapped to play Goldie Hawn's daughter within the sequel to Private Benjamin, figuring out to be extra egalitarian by way of courting a redhead, or looking for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little one that seems similar to her...only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for purchasing herself into the main outrageous occasions. Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea showcases the candor and impossible to resist turns of word that experience made her one of many most up to date voices in comedy this day.

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Extra resources for Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Sample text

I thought about my sister Sloane and how she would have handled this situation…Sloane would never have been in this situation, because she was about as much fun as a cold sore, and would have never allowed anyone to eat an entire tub each of ice cream and frozen yogurt, even if it wasn’t intentional. Then James picked up one of the tubs, tossed it on the floor, and eyed me like a piece of meat. I pretended I didn’t notice his death stare, and even tried to fake a yawn as an example of my disinterest in his showcase.

I had very little control of the things that were flying out of my mouth. All I knew was that it felt better than confessing. Plus, the idea of getting imaginary rock-hard abs was intoxicating. I knew then that Jason and I could never really build a solid partnership, mostly because our relationship had been based on inconsistencies. I spent the rest of the week confirming one ridiculous tale after another, and by Friday I was exhausted. Although the benefits of my newfound fame outweighed the burden of coming up with one celebrity tale after another, I was so disgusted and bored with myself after a week, I was ready to throw myself out of my second-story window.

Although I had developed a serious crush on our plumber that year, I wasn’t sure that I was ready for penetration. I had seen my very first penis on a porno tape I stole from my brother, and was completely flabbergasted. While I had heard a lot about the size and shape of the penis, no one had ever mentioned that there were going to be balls attached to it. Not to mention that there would be two of them, that they would be covered in hair, and that later in life, they would most likely end up smacking you in the face.

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